Listen, Here.

It was 3 a.m. and I was awake. An interior voice telegraphed, loudly against the background of my freshly awoken anxiety. A giant NO stood on its own three legs and kept me awake, making me wrestle it fiercely.

The new job that would be mine if I took it undergirded this loud pronouncement. With its name came the no again and again. My pride subverted the message.

I’d be a Director.

I’d be paid what I thought I deserved after all my years of experience.

I’d make a difference in my community by helping small businesses navigate a confusing landscape.

I interviewed. Asked mission-critical questions, tried to fill in the many blanks around culture that my interviewees simply couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me.

I went into the job with the giant NO emblazoned across my spirit. I gave it my all. I confronted deep dysfunction after witnessing it directed at others, then was on the receiving end of contempt and cruel remarks. After 3 months I bolted and as I disentangled myself from the organization, its leader told me that, “I couldn’t hack it at my last job, nor could I hack it at her organization, so just where did I expect to go and succeed?” Other than publicly telling my friends over my birthday dinner that she had “given me a job as a birthday present,” I knew her final words questioning my competence would be the last time I spoke with her.